Parenting is one of the best adventures I have ever been on. Each day is a crazy roller coaster of wanting to squeeze her and kiss those precious cheeks and other moments I’m ready to lock myself in a closet. I’ve learned a lot in the last five years of being a parent and what I realized most is that for all of nuggets of wisdom virtual strangers (and family, and friends) love to pass onto you during pregnancy they fail to tell you a whole awful lot.
25 Funny Parenting Truths No One Ever Told You
- Kids will learn things from your pets: how to eat out of the food bowl, how to bark or meow and how to put the dogs chew toy in their mouth will be your favorites.
- Someone will poop in the tub. No one will know who did it.
- The same goes for pee. Watch for the squirmy one. The warm current they just created will feel so good they squiggle.
- You will organize your pantry by least desirable items at the bottom and most desirable at the top.
Note: Flour seems harmless but is actually a desirable.
- When they can start responsibly fending for themselves you will reorganize the pantry so that desirable snacks are eye level and within reach.
- You will go to the store for milk and come home with a new wardrobe for your toddler.
- You will be done riding the escalator long before they are. Avoid the mall.
- Tissues are toys. I repeat, tissues are toys.
- Actually so are paper towels, dish cloths, your Tupperware and endless pieces of printer paper cut into play money.
- Your toy room will spend the next 18 years looking like the aftermath of your 21st birthday party. Also, no one invited you but you still get to clean up.
- Your mother will repeatedly remind you that you were the same way at that age and smile an evil smile.
- Toddler Logic will suddenly make complete sense. It’s also perfectly acceptable to use it in arguments with your spouse.
- The excruciating pain of stepping on a LEGO.
- Feed them all the organic, sugar-free crap you want. They will still eat boogies and their grandparents will sneak them soda and fast food anyway.
- You can’t even get upset about it because you just snuck off to the closet and muffled the sound of your candy bar wrapper crunching with a dirty towel before proceeding to wolf it down like it was your last meal.
- Even if they have their own Netflix profile, yours will also eventually only suggest kids shows.
- This is because everything that is yours is better. Even if it’s exactly. the. same.
- Your daughter will get more use out of your “going out” dresses than you do.
- Your meals will now be taken cold, mediocre, one handed or on the go and you don’t even get to choose which one.
- You basically become a ninja. You can stop spills mid air and catch bodies rolling off beds.
- Eventually, you will put your own self in time out.
- After getting them a snack, a drink of water, their stuffed animal and turning on Netflix you will realize they pretty much just owned you.
- You won’t even care because Netflix is now on for the next 30 minutes so you can do whatever you want. As long as it doesn’t look too fun or involve food or even resemble sleeping. But anything else. Cleaning is good.
- Elf on the Shelf is not worth it. He will encounter a fatal accident.
- Never underestimate the power of cute. Ever.